This week’s Certified Dank McMansion of the Week™ comes to us from the town of Flower Mound, TX, which is a surprisingly euphemistic name for a small town in a heavily conservative state.
Obviously, the builders took the name of the town to heart when designing this house – and not the “Flower” part either.
This lovely 6,390 sqft 4bd, 4.5ba estate (realtors love that word) built in 1994 is currently selling for $829,900. All of those fun exterior details are actually made in a factory from injected foam, painted, and then glued onto houses like this one. They don’t even attempt looking like real stone, preferring to go with a smooth, blinding white.
As always, our tour begins with the trademark Cathedral of Useless Space™ (aka the Front Entryway):
The tile grout is a nice touch.
The “Great” Room
So glad that buying furniture as a set is considered tacky now.
BONUS VIEW:
It’s like an olympic-sized swimming pool of beige.
Dining Room
I’ve yet to see a more unremarkable room.
The Study
Look closely at the door, and you can see how poorly the wood was joined. Also, why is there some sort of cultural association of “dark wood-paneling” with “moody genius”??
The SECOND Living Room
BUT MCMANSIONHELL!! How do you know HGTV was a Thomasville shill in 2005??? How can you make such bold claims???
WELL READERS, HERE IS A SCREENSHOT OF HGTV.COM FROM 2005!!!!
The Kitchen
Now at this point, the homeowners were wondering how they could conjure up the tackiest, 2000s-est kitchen possible. Now I can’t say they did a perfect job, but they came pretty damn close
That stove combo has to win some sort of McMansion Razzie award for “Worst Kitchen Decision” but I don’t want to jump the gun too soon, y’know?
The Master Bedroom
On a side note, where can I get that tiny chair bc it would be perfect for my spoiled cat
Copyright Disclaimer: All photos are screenshots from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
The Knottiness of Existence 